The letter I’m scared to write: on dads, sons and vulnerability
Why being vulnerable can feel so risky for men, and what writing a letter might stir up
The letter I’m scared to write: on dads, sons and vulnerability
The idea for this post (my first ever blog post - be gentle!) came to me when I was reading the incredible Letters To Our Sons by Orly Klein (Psychologist) and Stephen Graham (actor and co-creator of the TV show Adolescence). It is a collection of letters from a wide ranging group of dads (“from bin men to barristers”) to their sons. It took until page four before I was mopping away the tears that were rolling down my cheeks. It really is quite a special book.
Besides the obvious emotional content of personal letters from fathers to their sons, it got me thinking about some other themes that I took from the concept of the book:
The weight of responsibility…
Thankfully, the view of what a man and a father “should be” is starting to change and develop away from the traditional view of the “strong, silent, provider”. Men are increasingly encouraged to talk about their feelings, to express themselves outwardly in different ways and many more men are now choosing to take a more active role in childcare and the home rather than being the traditional “breadwinner”. However, the traditional societal legacy of the role of the father cannot be shaken off that easily and that is part of what can lead to the very heavy weight of responsibility on the shoulders of dads. Many men still live under a cloud of expectation where feelings are there to be shamed, fixed or ignored and this can lead to distress (like anger, numbness or withdrawal) coming out sideways like someone stomping on a big old tin of baked beans.
Our sons and our own fathers…
We cannot help but draw parallels between the relationship with our fathers and the relationship our sons have with us. Whatever the relationship we hold with our own fathers, there is very often a spectrum of complexity and rarely is this “all good” or “all bad”. Maybe we have never spoken to our own fathers about this relationship and maybe they have never spoken to us about it. So there is little wonder that feelings around being a dad can feel utterly confusing at times.
Finding the words…
It can be hard enough to even begin to identify how we feel about being a dad, let alone to start to communicate some of those feelings…LET ALONE to communicate them to our own sons! The complexity of a father-son love can feel overwhelming and takes a heap of vulnerability and bravery to even try to express that with words both spoken and on the page. It can be really, really scary to open up to the people we love the most because it means we must bare our souls and show the wildly imperfect, confused, complicated human beings we are.
After all that, I’m aware that the prospect of writing a letter to your own child is probably even more terrifying (definitely a topic for the next session with my therapist!) but I think I’m going to do it. After all, saying what may have been left forever unsaid, to ourselves or to others, can often be what we find the courage to do when we go to therapy. I wonder how it might feel for you to write a letter to a child, parent or loved one.